This post is definitely putting myself out there, but if I can help one person who may be going through what I went through, then it will be worth it.
In the top picture, I weighed 114 pounds, close to my low weight of 113 pounds. The bottom photo is my tummy today at 135 pounds. DO YOU SEE A 22 POUND DIFFERENCE?
I don’t, and I went through so much pain to get to the top picture. I starved myself for months and worked out excessively. My trigger was stepping on the scale one day and weighing 127 pounds. I had been naturally skinny my whole life, so this new healthy weight was a shock to me. I thought if I continued the way I was doing things, I would get fat and not be able to model. So I started researching breatharianism, fasting, and connecting with pro-ana communities. I found people who were doing the same thing as me, who understood me, and we supported each other through our self-destruction. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP ME.
No one online, anyway. The one person I confided my starvation secrets with was my boyfriend. Not surprisingly, our relationship was strained after he held my wrist one day and realized I had lost almost an inch around my wrist. He was scared, but I wasn’t. I knew exactly what I was doing and that it was working.
My relationships fell apart, I was obsessed with calories and exercising, and I developed real insecurities for the first time in my life. Throughout middle school and early high school I had always been very confident, opinionated, loving, and out-going. Starving not only took over my life, it took over my personality.
In a sense, I am always recovering. The day I stepped on the scale and weighed 113 pounds, I broke down, because I had always told myself that I would stop one day, but I didn’t. I stopped counting calories, started doing more yoga, and became a vegan. Since then I have struggled with orthorexic tendencies, but I no longer fear getting fat, and I have a successful modeling career.
If you are going through anything similar right now, please get help as soon as you can. Feel free to message me, or talk to someone who loves you. You may have already stepped over some of your loved ones along the way, but I guarantee that if you ask for help, they will be there for you. They will understand, and they will be proud of you for being strong.
I encourage you to embrace health, not numbers. Embrace the body you have now, and I promise that when you start eating right and exercising regularly, you will see the results you want. The pain is not worth it, destroying your life is not worth it. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.